Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Oh to be a Stay-At-Home Mommy




Let me start by saying that this post is not going to be one big complaint.  I try my hardest to not be a complainer (except to my husband ;) ) I simply want to express my feelings and maybe part of me wants to be understood.

Like I've said many times before, life is overwhelming.  We all struggle with lots of things in our life.  One thing that eats away at me daily is the fact that I do not have the opportunity to be home with my children.  I am definitely home more now than I have ever been, having an extra day off per week, which I am so very thankful for.  But it's just not the same.  It's not the same as seeing all those blessed women out there being with their children everyday.  Raising our children is one of the absolute most important things that we will ever do in our lifetime, and I yearn to be the very best mother that I can be.

Having no control is a big part of this...it's both frustrating and comforting.  It's frustrating that I can't be a stay-at-home mom.  I can't drop what I'm doing, the job that I have, and stay home.  We need my income.  Yet it's also comforting in knowing that God is in control.  That if it's meant to be for me to ever be home with my kids that it will happen, but if not then there's nothing I can do about it.  So I should just enjoy the time that I have with them and do all that I can in that time.

I'll be honest in saying that I often feel jealous.  That's a hard thing to admit.  It sounds negative.  But it's true.  I see friends and acquaintances and bloggers, many of them able to be home.  Able to have the entire day dedicated to their job as a wife and a mother.  To fix them breakfast, play with them, teach them, love them all day.  To have time throughout the day to fold a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher or vacuum.  To have dinner prepared for their husband.  Things that working moms have to manage after a full day of working.  Now don't get me wrong, I know staying at home is a job. I know it's hard, and it's not always realistic to get anything done around the house other than attend to the kids because they constantly need your attention, especially at the ages of my children, but no matter how stressful it gets or how little you actually got accomplished for the day, you had the entire day with your kids.  That's an accomplishment in itself.  And it's always rewarding.

It's truly heart-breaking to think that Keira will be 3 in April and that she will be going to kindergarten in just over 2 years.  That my daily time with her is dwindling away.  And that I've worked those years away.  And will have to continue going to work everyday.  That I will either have to drop her off at pre-school or pull out of the drive way with both of my girls watching and waving, as I try my hardest to not think about what's going on because I find myself tearing up.  It's a difficult thing to leave that drive way, and stay-at-home moms are so blessed to not have to endure that.

I also know that it takes a lot of sacrifice to stay home.  I know it takes lifestyle changes.  I know there are dads out there working 2 or 3 jobs to allow their wife to stay home.  And I'll be honest, I would never want that.  I would never sacrifice my husband's time with our kids so that I could have more.  Scott feels the same exact way as me.  We constantly talk about both wanting to be home.  He would be a stay-at-home daddy in a second.  And he would be awesome at it.  I love that we can share these exact feelings.  That we can relate.  It makes it a little easier.  I know that's unusual, but he is absolutely the best daddy to those girls that I could ever imagine, and I am so thankful for that.  I am thankful that he often says, just go home early, enjoy your time with them, don't worry about the money, everything will work out.  And I am thankful that I am not a single mom working 2 or 3 jobs myself, in order to provide for my kids.

I am so happy for the moms out there who are able to stay home.  I have respect for them.  I know it's a job.  I am a mom.  Being a mother is so important and just because they have the opportunity to stay home doesn't mean that they have to stay home.

Maybe I wouldn't be a good stay-at-home mom.  Maybe the lack of structure and adult interaction would be difficult for me.  Or maybe I would be a wonderful stay-at-home mom and we'll win the lottery next week, and I'll have the opportunity to stay home...just kidding ;)  Although I have to admit, that would be exciting.

I apologize for such a very long post, but this topic is something that weighs heavy on my mind everyday so I felt strongly about sharing my feelings on it.  I am not complaining.  I am grateful for everything that I have in more ways than I can express.  I simply wanted to be heard.  I wanted to be open and honest and relate-able .  I am a working mom.  Some days I accept that fact.  And other days I really struggle with accepting it.  I hope I have helped other working moms who feel the same way.  I hope that you can relate to my feelings in knowing that you are not alone.  But that everything happens for a reason and we are great moms even though we work.  We are blessed in millions of other ways.




2 comments:

  1. Amber,
    I found myself tearing up by the second paragraph. I missed out on so much time with my parents growing up, that I told myself I would work as little as possible when I'm a mommy. Look at me now... I feel like I am always taking my son to preschool and going to work. I am also so blessed, but I want to be with my son more. Things are the way they are for a reason. At least you have big kids to take care of at work. We love you and understand what you are saying. Keep Smiling!!!

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  2. Thank you Sheri! I thoroughly enjoy working with every single one of you "big kids" =)

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